Cold Spaghetti

Paul is home and pretty chipper, all things considered. He has a two-week reprieve of all strenuous activities, which means the gutting of the back of the house we’d been planning for weeks is out of the question. So is the continued gutting and construction we’d been planning over Thanksgiving… and during the three days vacation Paul had planned to take around the holiday. Plans? What plans? Apparently they are very overrated.

But he’s okay and that is what matters. It matters so much that it is even important enough for us to delay having a bathtub… and really, there is not much out there more important than this.

I finished and submitted the fellowship application. I owe special thanks to my friend in CA – the Sartre to my deBeauvoir – who came through at the last minute to help read when I couldn’t anymore. Won’t know of anything for 6 months, but it’s done. Maybe 2008 will be a better year?

As if the past week hasn’t been bad enough. Phelm-y cough and stuffed head, sickly lost voice, broken foot (new theory: it wasn’t the toe, it was bone(s?) in the foot… looking more into it later), the new car (which requires lots of foot action to drive), the kids feeling funky, Kate cutting canines, and busy busy busy everything.

Last night, I broke up with my committee chair.

Not that he necessarily got it, but I did do it. One of those post-storm causalities, my mentor, too focused on a new life in another state and disengaged with students here. Overwhelmed by project responsibilities over University ones (the projects are what bring in their salaries… the University pays very little or nothing depending on their contracts). Supportive, yes, but thinking of me, passing on opportunities, offering experiences worthy of my expertise and interests? No, not really. And it’s not fair to expect it from someone who is just not here, physically or mentally. An unexpected post-Katrina reality: life is hard for everyone and some responsibilities get dropped. He’s sticking on for awhile to get me through the next hurdle and then I need a change. Because this program cannot continue this way for me. My education and training will not continue to be post-storm collateral damage.

I’m hoping for support to get through an application process for a Mega Fellowship I’m applying for (due on Thursday) and to get through this defense. (Another application? I must have some deep-set hatred of myself.) But did I mention? I have my FINAL draft written. I finished it on Tuesday and sent it to committee, not that anyone on my committee has looked at it. Although it really is a milestone that I could take a moment to reflect and celebrate upon, truly, I’m too tired to notice.

Commence the shopping for committee members. Are there academic want-ads for this sort of thing?

I am tentatively scheduled (either for this coming Friday or the one following, depending on some faculty travel) to give an open, “formal,” practice prospectus defense…. someone said it may possibly be the first since Katrina? I’m trying to show the Department good faith in my dedication and desire to really be a strong partner in it’s improvement and recovery. And then… then, I really want to sleep for awhile.

Click on the flyer for more information!

PS: I get first dibs on the BEAUTIFUL EARRINGS Will made for this event!

A software package created and used by the Center for Disease Control, “the sentinel for the health of people in the United States and throughout the world,” does not work on any laboratory computer, or instructors computer, in the entire School of Public Health at Tulane University. That’s right. The CDC software is non-functional in a School of Public Health.

How do I know? Because I tried to teach an EpiInfo lab to 43 students last night in the SPH computer lab. Apparently, IT staff promises of functioning software (we found similar problems last year and were assured they did not exist this year) do not account for much.

I went to Plan B. We went back to our classroom, where I plugged my laptop up to the podium screen. Students who intended on using their own machines got ready with others piled around them. Then we found that the MyTulane system had corrupted the file (note: the University IT is a mess of Microsoft… if you don’t drink the water, you run into a ton of problems) narrowing our window of working student computers down to about 4. Actually, we’d figure out the corruption problem later. In the meantime, I demonstrated some of the simple commands needed for the assignment, went through the assignment to discuss how to approach the questions (“Plan C”). Then I offered a solution… since it is not reasonable to expect students to do the computations themselves (we can’t trust the lab), I’ll provide a big mess of output and ask them to shift through the tables and use the given information to answer questions and provide support for their answers. Ack.

Upside: Paul had arranged for a babysitter as a treat, picked me up, and took me to La Crepe Nanou for dinner.

Big stresses are not what will finally, in the end, drive me to insanity. It will be the culmination of the little things that finally pushes me off the ravine upon whose edge I live so perilously close.

These little things, things that should be easy but somehow aren’t, are most commonly presented in my life in the form of Stupid Programing Issues made in the statistical packages with which I am sometimes called to use for my work. Most of these packages (STATA, SPSS, SAS) are incredible expensive and call for both the privilege of access to them and then climbing the learning curve required to know how to use them. (Understanding what those numbers actually mean is a serious problem within the sciences themselves… poorly trained social, behavioral, and medical scientists, lack of good theory and critical thinking in higher education programs… I could go on, but this rant is about software.)

There is one free package, made by the CDC. It is what statistical software should be in public health: free, amenable to operation in older systems, fairly easy to learn, have access to standard comparisons of health/nutritional indicators. It is commonly used in the field for the reasons listed above. But it is not particularly powerful in analysis. Although it is not hard to manipulate for basic information when you’re set up in it, getting to the point where your data is in the system and correct is difficult — the software is not user friendly. Paul keeps telling me that we should write a grant to fund him making a new package. Something that would offer more statistical power but be a bit more intuitive in its interface. This does not sound like a good idea. If we did this and people found out, I fear our doorstep would be darkened daily by strung-out graduate students seeking vengeance.

And right now, I’m beating my head against the wall because the damn thing won’t read my run files. Don’t get me started on how many times this thing has crashed. It is insisting on a click-by-click dummy entry of things and just making my life really suck. It would take all day to recode half of these variables without a run file. I am ranting only because I decided to chuck the version and download an updated package and need a vent while I wait. I could do these things in STATA so much faster, and have considered changing the data and studying it elsewhere and then loading it back to Epi Info, but I think I need the practice here. I’m trying to write a lab assignment and need to be able to test that these things work before unleashing Master’s students on it (they are already nervous and unsure about the whole “lab” thing).

What is really firing me up is that these are REALLY SIMPLE sort of things I’m struggling with. User error is always a factor, although the same command that works in one second is full of syntax errors in the next. Wa…? Unfortunately, the “HELP” aspects of the software are miserable.

Which brings me to a point: if I am having problems here, in my cushy home, with all the resources around me I need to figure out a solution, how can we rely on this in the field? Shouldn’t a profession like public health, with such important implications in surveillance and data survey, have truly excellent caliber software — free for use — and widely available? And if Epi Info is our current solution to this issue, then for heaven’s sake… why isn’t it available for Mac OS (in the least) or Ubuntu?

Anyone out there a big data geek who knows Epi Info and is ready for some questions???

Tonight was the first class for Public Health and Nutrition in Complex Emergencies, the course I’m TA’ing. Paul dropped me off at Tidewater around 4, which gave me enough time to find out that the course was scheduled to meet in a different (much smaller) room, make notes to send students to what should be the classroom, and try to set up a video conference for our guest faculty, who we needed to beam in via Skype. Last year, I had to mess around with Skype for guest lecturers for around half of the classes. We generally worked it all out, but there was certainly some MacGyver action taking place in those last moments before each class.

I came prepared tonight: laptop, cell phone, power cords. I managed to get everything up and working… but no sound. This was a problem last year, too, and if I remembered right, took three technicians, a grand-standing supervisor, and a borrowed headset to make it work. Not willing to go this route and delay class, I busted into play B — using my laptop. But to connect to Tulane’s wireless, I had to follow their directions… which included disabling the firewall. (I know, I know, I can hear the blood-curling shrieks…) What can I say? I was desperate.

The good news: we got it working — sound, video, everything. Everyone was pleased and everything went smoothly and on-time.

The bad news: Paul is convinced that my trusty T-series is now the harbinger of a wide range of assorted infections and in need of a complete exorcism.

Rat farts.

I’ve agreed to TA the Complex Emergencies course again this fall (starts October 18th). A new twist: we have a visiting faculty coming. This is a great opportunity and I’m excited about it. There is also a second TA for the course (a grad student who took the class last fall) which is even more exciting since there is a remote possibility I won’t be working 100 or so hours of free overtime like last year. I’ll spare the details of how Tulane TAs are slave labor except to say that I cannot believe anyone complained about the situation for Michigan GSIs, ever. (That Michigan student labor group is the most incredible social justice machine on the planet.)

As a result, I’m feeling even more pressure to get this prospectus done. And I was SO CLOSE. Then I had to open up that can of worms. And reach out with questions to old Michigan colleagues. And get more ideas. And like them. And now, well, now I’ve got this mess and although I think I have it straight in my head, am having the damnest time putting it all down on paper. Why couldn’t I have stuck with the simple design and just defended?? I seem to have some sort of mental block in front of making this next step. How do people actually finish this degree? With kids? And life? And mental blocks?

In short, we are gearing up for two really really nonstop busy months.

From the website of Ben Ford, President of the Linux Users Group, Washington State University, on how to attract more women into their organization and ultimately into the field of computer science — by auctioning themselves off for “sorority girls” to “have their way with them”:

“The problem is that we’re all still nerds. Let’s face it, guys. If anyone’s going to bid on us, we’ll need some spicing up. And who better to help with that than sorority girls who like nothing better than a makeover?”

No. The problem is that you’re an idiot*. You know what might make women more interested in being around guys in the Linux Users Group? If the members understand women as intelligent equals with more to contribute than makeovers.

Is the idea that if the male dating pool in the computer science department is more attractive, more women will want to switch to that field? Is telling the world that they think sorority girls are so terribly inept that they can’t “fix their computers” or do “their stats homework” somehow going to make women come en masse to computer science mixers? (Ben offers this for examples of what the self-proclaimed nerds can do for “sorority girls.”)

No. The most likely scenario is that computer science majors at Washington State need a few classes in women’s studies.

And for the record, my brilliant math and computer science degree-holding husband couldn’t help me with my stats past day two of classes my first term. Logistically regress that, guys.

*”Yes, this is incredibly stereotypical and insensitive of me. But it’s funny. Don’t be offended.” How’dya like them apples?

One of the highlight performances of my life was having the pleasure of seeing Marcel Marceau first as himself giving a moving speech about his life, and then as Bip, giving a tribute performance which included vignettes from some of his most famous pieces. For several years through middle and high school, I participated in a summer arts program where classes included working with a professional Mime. Our teacher had studied with Marceau — she took us through rigorous conditioning exercises and precise body isolation movements. We learned of body alignment, symmetry, and gain perspective on how to present the body as a form. Over the three summers I participated in her courses, I gained deep appreciation for the art of mime and a sense of what makes it a unique and culturally valuable form of art. Telling a story without words, grounded to the earth (as opposed to dance) is something that has been done for centuries. Clowns mimic and play to an audience; mimes can be both literal and abstract, telling a story or generating an emotional response through reflections on a serious or topical issue.

The recent “mimes freak me out” craze I think reflects the fact that many street mimes are simply not very good, rather than commentary of the art in itself. When people say “mimes scare me,” I sometimes must agree, with the caveat that I actually love the art. (As an aside, the art of miming didn’t really take off as commedia del’ arte until two characters — Zanni alone had a reputation more for clowning than for serious performance. It may suggest that as an impromptu art, more than one performer is necessary. To solo mimes: either be REALLY good, or run the risk of coming off as creepy.)

Years later, during college, I participated in Antonio Fava‘s Commedia del’ Arte school in Reggio Nell’ Emilia, Italy. (Yup, that’s the same town that started the Reggio Emilia philosophy of education used at Abeona and where I was first introduced to it.) Antonio and his family were wonderful. The school was an incredible experience: intense (work 6 days a week with public showings began the second night of training and continued every other night following), interesting (learning the history of the art), and stimulating (seeing contemporary examples of how commedia reflects and responds to current political and social issues). Supporting this kind of art was why I studied it in the first place. Learning in that environment was humbling and gratifying.*

Recently, I’ve exchanged emails with Antonio and Dina — she provided a personal contact for the Reggio schools and we have been brainstorming possibilities for Antonio to visit the NOLA area on his next book tour. It would be wonderful if this could pan out: the kids would love it. And I would love to help inspire and educate our next generation about the beauty of telling a story without words.

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*Although one might see my professional and personal journey through the arts to counseling to social justice and health as a winding road with no reason, I maintain that has been enriching and fulfilling, providing a broad and valuable foundation in all of my academic endeavors. A host of examples available. Particularly for parents (like my own) who first refused and then worried about sending their kids to college for a liberal arts degree.

After a whirlwind visit to D.C., a week helping my Mom, and then a blissful weekend in Tampa with friends (more on that later), we are HOME.

And bounced right back into life. Kids, lunches, school, meetings. I had a productive day of recovery-agency-related focus groups, learned a lot, and enjoyed it. Paul spent the day in a work snafu. After a great visit to school seeing the faces of many people we love, we made plans for dinner out. We took our friend and babysitter-extraordinare, Michelle, to Frankie and Johnny’s and were able to bring along the consultant who hired me for the focus groups. In other words, it was a good New Orleans day. After that blissful weekend on the beach, we need a few more of these NOLA-moments to remind us of how and why we love this city.

Our number-one NOLA moment for the day: Kate reaching over to pick up Michelle’s oyster po-boy and before we could say boo — taking a HUGE bite. Twice. And then proceeding to grab oysters off the plate and shove them into her little mouth. That’s our NOLA girl!