I have a friend who is a single mother of 4 school-age children. She cleans houses for a living and has no formal education. For more than a decade, she has been overweight. The kind of overweight where knees hurt and it’s hard to get around. She had never made chicken that wasn’t fried and knew nothing about starches and carbs and calories. And then last fall, she was watching The Biggest Loser and decided that she could do it, too. Just like that. She bought the show’s cookbook and workout DVD. Now, 9 months later, she is half of her initial size. She finds a way to workout each day — between running 4 children back and forth to 3 schools and traveling all over the city to clean whatever she can get hired to clean — and manages to get a dinner on the table each night that is healthy and contributes to her continued weight loss. In losing her weight, she re-learned how to cook, she tried dozens of new fruits and vegetables, and she stuck to her goals. I am in complete and utter amazement of her; she is an absolute inspiration.
There is absolutely no reason in the world for me to not have better behaviors when it comes to taking care of myself. Everything from how often I get a haircut or pedicure to when I can take a yoga class.
Yes, it’s true I do a lot and have a lot going on. But I schedule everything and manage to make time for anyone who asks me for it.
Except me.
I’ve gone over and over about this for as long as I can remember. I get angry at the people around me for not thinking about me — after all, I think about them and anticipate their needs all day long. I know that the bottom line is that I have to be the one to make it happen. And I’ve tried a hundred thousand times in seventy billion ways. It doesn’t work. Whatever connection has to be made, I can’t make it. Whenever something needs to give, it’s always me.
When the kids are in school, I want to spend every moment of it working. When they are home, I want to be with them — AND this is when I do the house stuff (laundry, cleaning). In order for Paul to work his job and work on the house, I have to cover all the bases to allow him to focus on those tasks. He gets great exercise and creative challenge from his projects on the house and does a good job of fitting in other hobbies, like juggling with the kids in the park. I don’t know how or where to fit in anything for myself. It makes me feel guilty for even thinking about it. An hour to take a walk? To do my hair? Indulgent. Wasteful. I feel like a mess all the time and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how anyone else does it, either.
So I’m asking. Officially, asking. How does a mother juggling a bazillion things manage her own needs? I’m very very serious, because it has to get better. How do you do it?
pistolette | 24-Apr-09 at 6:02 am | Permalink
Having gone through a masters program, I recall it being completely intertwined with my thoughts at all times. Just a theory, but – I think this is something your friend doesn’t have to worry about, even when she’s running around with the kids and her job all day. Because when she leaves her job, she is done with it, and doesn’t have to think as much about what she will say or do tomorrow. This leaves her the ability to focus most of her energy on herself or her children when she is done with work – even it its not that much time.
Personally, I’m still very new at this, and about to have my second child in 2 weeks, so i don’t know how solid my advice is. But I can tell you how I’ve been approaching it. I’m extremely organized. I take about 15 minutes every night with my planner/datebook and plan everything I have to do the next day, and then I rank each item by importance (so the most important get done first). I get a lot more done this way and my productivity has more than doubled. I also check out sites like simplemom.net or zenhabits.net to pick up inspiration and tips on “lifehacking” (simplemom raises 2 kids abroad and zenhabits guy has SIX kids!). They have loads of info on organizing, productivity, finance, parenting, health, and simple or minimalist living from firsthand experience.
Lastly, no matter how crazy things get in this house, I always make a bit of selfish time, and I refuse to regret it. I cannot be a good wife, mother, or professional if I’m a stressed out mess. I need time to breathe and regroup, and I don’t care if my kid is throwing a fit, if it’s someone else’s turn to watch her, it’s now MY time to step away guilt free. So I put in my ear plugs and lock the door if I have to, but I WILL have my sanity. Because without that, I can’t help anyone else no matter how much I love them.
Janna | 24-Apr-09 at 7:40 am | Permalink
Tell me what you find out okay? Because I am HORRIBLE at balancing life and I am always the one that falls by the wayside.
Violet | 24-Apr-09 at 8:12 am | Permalink
This is so typical for women in general, Holly. You are not alone. I’m still doing it and my kids are 29 and 32! Having said that, you guys are trying to do too much, all the time. In addition to working and dissertating, you have also undertaken a HUGE home renovation (that alone would put me over the edge) and you also opted to start a home business. Add to that your very admirable commitment to community volunteerism–you haven’t left yourself enough time to sleep.
When the kids were young, I decided that I didn’t need to clean the house to meet my mother-in-law’s standards. I just needed to do enough. You need to have a heart-to-heart with yourself about what really MUST be done now, and what can wait or be modified to take less time. Then put those projects in a “pending” status and quit worrying about them.
Practice saying “no” until you get the hang of it. It’ll be OK!
Hugs,
Violet
Kellee | 24-Apr-09 at 10:25 am | Permalink
Violet is right. I have a hard time saying no. And I don’t have children. Just a husband and three dogs. But I get involved in so many things that I have no time for myself.
So I decided the first of April to set a goal of walking 30 minutes a day for 30 straight days. And if I have to do that at 5:30 AM to get it done, then so be it. I have a neighbor who walks with me 3 days a week and it helps get me out the door. The other days I sleep in and fit it in where ever I can.
My neighbor has children and finds that early morning before they get up the easiest time. It just takes setting your clothes out, and having every thing ready (down to setting the coffee the night before). Up and dressed and out the door. Don’t clean anything, don’t read email. Don’t get distracted.
Hope this helps. FWIW, I have missed 3 days out of 27. Not bad. I’ll take it.
Stacy Owings | 24-Apr-09 at 10:27 am | Permalink
Holly,
Been through this! My self-esteem was in the toilet for a long time after I had my boys because I had no time for me. Now I realize that without Stacy Time I am no good to my husband or my boys.
I hear you about finding time to exercise, that is why I get up really really early. That does mean I have to go to bed early and not spend as much time with my hubby in the evening, but my running time is very important to me. I make myself schedule mental health time for me throughout the week, too. I have taken the same approach as Violet…if something has to be sacrificed, then it will be the clean house. My house is rarely clean, but I am ok with that.
Lucy | 24-Apr-09 at 2:38 pm | Permalink
Oh, sorry to say you are struggling with what most of us seem to struggle with. My children are 20 and 17. I feel that it does get a little better as they age and need you a little less but most important I have had to learn to SCHEDULE things, such as haircuts, waxing and a girls night out and stick with it. Lastly, I have learned to let of trying to do it all and I ask for help. For example: tonight my husband is going to the store with me. We will enjoy some time together, get the shopping done and he will do all the heavy lifting in addition to helping putting all the stuff away when we get home. I hate grocery shopping, so I reached out for help!
Good Luck!!!!
kcwebber | 24-Apr-09 at 9:35 pm | Permalink
I’m about to post something quite selfish: I am relieved to hear you say these things! You are doing SO MANY amazing things and seem to handle it all so well. I always think I should be doing more and feel badly when I can’t do it all and be 100% for every role I play in life. I am bad at balance. And I don’t even have children. Just a husband, a doctoral program, two dogs, and renovating an 80 year old house. hmm…that should be enough, no?
Good luck!
Emily R | 25-Apr-09 at 6:02 am | Permalink
don’t ask me. my kids all got haircuts, but my legs desperately need a wax
Erin | 25-Apr-09 at 6:44 am | Permalink
Prioritize, schedule, accept that some things will take longer to happen, and then enlist the help of your partner. Without him on board it will be impossible.
heather | 27-Apr-09 at 5:54 pm | Permalink
Huh. I fit in some of it, but the real key is fitting it in and not feeling guilty. Sometimes it seems like my hub thinks he’s doing me this huge favor if I get to go and work out. Honestly, what’s worked for me is I’ve fought hard for a more flexible work schedule so I can do these things when the kids are in daycare and then I work when they are in bed. Because I can work at 9:30pm, but I can’t get a haircut or go to a dr. appointment.
Amy K | 01-May-09 at 8:36 am | Permalink
Hi Holly. I am in Israel on a work trip and stopped by your blog for an update. I am always amazed and inspired by you because of everything that you are able to juggle. So, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to hear you say that you are losing part of yourself in all of the mayhem. One of the reasons why I may decide not to have kids is that I don’t want to have to give up my lifestyle. I go to rowing practice at 5 am on three weekdays and Saturday and I go to bikram yoga 3 days a week, in addition to work, volunteering and other projects. I am lucky and I don’t know what I would do if I had to take care of a child. My husband is amazing – like Paul – and he contributes a ton around the house. He also encourages me to pursue my activities. I think if you both have an agreement about how important “Holly time” is for your sanity, it will work. Start by choosing one thing that is only for you and do it consistently for three months.
Good luck!