There are so many things that contribute to my Bad Mommy status… using Jack Daniels as a teething soother, stuffing the kids into the overhead bins during air travel, co-sleeping… you get the idea.
But the number one thing that solidifies me as a Bad Mommy is this: I hate my children’s birthdays.
It gets worse each year. The anxiety, the fretting, the countless nights of web searches for the same ideas. Weeks of calling every mediocre local option to find that it doesn’t matter anyway, they are booked. Worrying over the date, the time, the people. Being frustrated that the weather is a complete question mark (three years ago it was 95 degrees and unbearably humid, last year we had frost on the ground). Feeling disappointment over Will’s obsession with presents. Knowing that I have a team on hand to judge when whatever I do doesn’t live up to expectation. Because it’s all on the Mom. There is no one else on earth responsible for children’s birthdays and every little detail… from the humidity to how the streamers bend to the taste of the frosting on the cake… lie on the shoulders of The Mother.
It’s not that I’m caught up in some ‘perfect birthday’ ideal. I couldn’t care less about theme, crafts, or activities. I just want a simple party with some friends where the adults can hang around and talk and the kids can run themselves silly. That’s it. THAT IS ALL.
Really, what I want is to borrow someone else’s house for the weekend — one with a big yard — rent a jumpy house to put outside, and let the kids run around the yard for 90 minutes while the parents hang back, eat, and talk. I wouldn’t even mind cleaning up afterward. This, in my view, is the World’s Best Birthday.
And the anxiety is because it’s just a total impossibility. Something that simple is simply not possible. There is nothing I can do to have a stress-free party for my kids, and I feel angry that I even have to think about it.
NEW PLAN, Will and Kate! You guys get to stay 4 and 2 FOREVER!
shokufeh | 10-Nov-08 at 4:04 pm | Permalink
I feel you. Which is why I’m taking advantage of this last year I can do this and doing just a classroom party for MrMan. With a special family outing on the weekend. I dread the “real” birthday party, which will certainly be unavoidable next year.
It would be nice if a fence could be put around sections of Audubon Park.
Good luck!
Stacy Owings | 10-Nov-08 at 5:36 pm | Permalink
My boys turned 5 and 6 this year, and Alex’s party last month was our last “party”. Too expensive and too stressful. In July for Jackson’s 7th birthday, we are going to have one close friend over for a sleepover or campout. Same for Alex in October. We are already talking this plan up, hoping for total buy-in!
admin | 10-Nov-08 at 9:07 pm | Permalink
Thanks Shokufeh and Stacy — I needed to hear that other Moms were over birthdays!!
Katie | 11-Nov-08 at 9:41 am | Permalink
Hello!
Just a vote of encouragement — I don’t do birthday parties. My girls are 4 and 2. We bake a cake, yes. And they pick the type/icing. But I don’t do parties for friends/family. We always make a little time around the actual day special….but that’s about it. Maybe the children will rebel as they get older.
But – I didn’t do a wedding either. We eloped. so…..I’m all about making the moment special for the intended person/people and letting the rest melt away.
admin | 11-Nov-08 at 9:56 am | Permalink
Katie: THANK YOU for sharing! It really means a lot to hear examples from others who are just over it. Will (our 4 year old) has been going to others’ parties — but (at least from what I understanding listening to him) is that what he really wants is an opportunity to have a play date with his friends. I love your way of celebrating what is special… and it certainly makes me feel like I have more options!
Katie | 11-Nov-08 at 1:17 pm | Permalink
One more thing-
A friend and I were discussing this the other day — the preschools administrations/other parents sort of making us feel bad for not making a big deal about our childrens’ birthdays at school. (*we have both been plagued with treatbags and invitations from other children’s birthdays…)Sometimes friends/family just don’t understand why we don’t do the birthday thing.
The truth is….If I do everything society/friends/family mandate — sure, I might make them a little happier…..but what about me? What about my little family? it’s hard to be different, too, sometimes….and of course – you never want the children to feel ostracized or different….
I think that asking Will what he wants and doing just that – will make him (and you!) happy!!! Forget the invitations, presents, decorations, thank yous, running around to please everybody, clean-up, etc.
I went to a birthday party recently for a 1 year old – and the mama was frazzled the entire time. I don’t think she enjoyed herself, and she isn’t in one picture we took that day. by the time the cake was served – she barked at everybody to eat it. i felt bad for her — she must have felt so much pressure to perform….and it ended up making the party less than enjoyable for her.
just my 2 cents.
I live in exile from New Orleans right now (landlords raised our rent after Katrina) (–why I found your blog and love it) and I tell you what – if I were there right now and it were one of the girls’ birthdays — we’d be heading to the Creole Creamery or Brocato’s. and that would be it!!
thanks for letting me delurk.
katie
admin | 11-Nov-08 at 2:10 pm | Permalink
Katie, you rock (I didn’t even think about Creole Creamery) and you’ve always got crash space if you need to spend some time back in the city! (Heck, our kids are the same ages, they’d clean up at Mardi Gras!)
I do not believe in birthday parties for 1- year old (and not really for 2-year olds, either, for that matter).
We did a party for Will when he turned 2 — but it was mostly an adult thing, celebrating being here in November of 2005 (sort of a first-party post-Katrina thing, where we saw a bunch of people we hadn’t seen yet, etc.) When he was 3, we did a small party with his classmates and I killed myself over a pirate theme because he asked for a pirate party. I swore never again.
At 4, we did a gymrompers thing which was fine. We brought the food, which was a pain, but okay.
We did family things for Kate’s 1st and 2nd.
Now that he has seen parties, it’s what he wants, too… which is part of why I am resisting it even more. If I could just have a few friends over and call it a day, I’d be all about it… but that’s just not an option.
I’ll have to look into the Creole Creamery thing…?
liprap | 11-Nov-08 at 5:02 pm | Permalink
After having experienced a simple house party with a space walk in the yard and a pinata for the kids to pound, I’m sorely tempted to do that…except we don’t have the room to put an inflatable anything in our postage stamp of a concrete yard. 8-(
Holly | 12-Nov-08 at 7:43 am | Permalink
DITTO, Liprap. We actually have a bit of a yard in the back (not big enough for a bouncey inflatable, but still a yard) but it’s filled with roofing debris and other stuff that needs to be hauled away the next time we rent a dumpster.
My current plan is a BYOB (bring your own bike) party around the WWI flagpole in the park. Just waiting for news on what the weather is going to be like before we commit.
Emmy | 13-Nov-08 at 11:35 pm | Permalink
Bday parties ARE so stressful…Kevin always has to remind me that they are supposed to be fun, that the people who are coming are friends and who know what it’s likely and that if I relax I’ll have fun. I usually manage once they start coming, but the whole month leading up…it’s stress and yes, it’s all Mama’s. And yet, I LOVE having their bdays at our house, and making the cake. What is wrong with me? Do I have some kind of Mama Martyr syndrome? I don’t know.
I’m really looking forward to Ana’s bday–a small CampOut party in a few weeks at twilight (think smores and hotdogs, and kids with flashlights). Or think broken vacuums, sugar rushes, and tantrum calamities. I don’t know. We’re shifting to a smaller, simpler thing, and hope that the magic of just being together comes through. I’m not inviting anyone who I think I “should” invite…just kids she actually gets along with and likes being around, and some family.
After talking with you about a collaborative party, I was tempted to just say…let’s take a road trip to the La. Renaissance Festival for their b-days or some other experience. Maybe we should consider that next year…an event with some friends. What could be better than a day trip?