Cold Spaghetti

When Judy Seward died and Gwen and I talked about what I should say at her memorial ceremony, we came up with a very clear and direct reason we were so close to her: we trusted Mrs. Seward with our lives because she trusted us with hers. She was open and honest, tried for anything and everything, and never held back. She taught me to live this same way. And although I’ve been burned by my openness, my trust, and my tendency to over-give, over-care, and over-commit, I am happy that my problem is putting in too much rather than not putting in enough.

I’m a hard worker, a dreamer, a goal-getter, and someone who always works through problems… I don’t give up, walk away, or stop believing. I’d rather jump in and be part of the solution than stand back and complain. Complaint is easy. Not trying is easy. You can’t get hurt when you don’t put yourself out there; it doesn’t feel bad when you lose something you didn’t put your whole self into.

I found out that I did not get the writing year dissertation award I applied for in November (announcements were posted yesterday; I checked it this afternoon). Granted, I haven’t gotten the mailed letter yet so maybe there is a chance I’m an alternate or something but I’m not holding my breath. I can’t. It’s all been knocked out of me.

Sometimes I feel that people expect me to always get everything I try for, as if I am blessed with some perfect formula or go through the world with a chosen glow that just sets me apart. Neither of these are true. I just try. Hard. Again and again. And I get rejected — a lot. At some point, I need to talk here of my research… my 2+ years of experience with newly arrived Spanish-speaking families, the abuse, the children, the teenagers trafficked in an underground sex trade… these things that I have seen, heard, and felt. These things that no one believes are happening. But this isn’t the time. Right now, this is about my want of recognition and support. I really really really wanted this. It was personal more than professional. I was looking for this to boost me into the next phase of what I have to do.

Instead, I have to find a way to jump up in the next five minutes and just go-go-go into the rest of this week and weekend. No time to stop and lick my wounds, or find a place of strength to draw from. No time to plan what we are going to do without the extra money we were hoping for this next school year. I gave out everything I had, but there is no time to look for something to fill that empty place back up. It’s not something I’m unaccustomed to doing, it’s just that I need to say that it is hard, it sucks, and sometimes I wish I could wallow in my disappointment and slowly recover on my own time… if only I had my own time.