Cold Spaghetti

Will (4 years, 2 months)

Listening, as understood by Will, is when you HEAR something and then DO exactly OPPOSITE what you have just been told. Action should be immediately followed by a cute, snappy phrase. Example:

scene: in the kitchen, making snacks for school
Me (giving Will the spoon for stirring): “Remember, it’s not sanitary to taste the dough before baking.”
Will (stops stirring, brings spoon to lips): “I’m just going to give this a little taste….”
Me: “WILLL!!!!!!”
Will: “That is TOO GOOD!”

Honesty, as understood by Will, is admitting that when you tripped your sister, you did it because that it exactly what you meant to do… because you realize that your Mom or Dad or Grandparent watched the entire scenario unfold. Example:

scene: in Granna’s bedroom, Will rolls over the floor to slam into Kate from behind, who buckles and crumples to the floor
Granna: “WILL! What happened!?”
Will starts to say I don’t know…
Granna: “WILL. Be HONEST. What was in your heart when you rolled to Kate?”
Will: “That I wanted to knock her down.”

Favorite Food: Hamburgers.
Favorite Song: Clean My Room by the Imagination Movers
Favorite Art Endeavor: Drawing Superheros and Bunnies
Second Favorite Art Endeavor: Tape.
Preferred Form of Parental Torture: Hearing what you say, but ignoring it
Preferred Form of Sibling Torture: I have it, you can’t have it
Favorite Show: The Wonder Pets
Favorite Story: Bartholomew and the Oobleck; “I Love You More” Stories
Favorite Song to Sing: Feed the Birds
Second Favorite Song to Sing: Sing
Favorite Conversation Subject: Reasons why we should let him watch “Star Wars”
Favorite Good Kid Activity: Cleaning up the kitchen table, setting the table before dinner
Cuddly of Choice: Big Toe (Ugly Doll)

Kate (20 months)

Please, according to Kate, is what you say very sweetly when you want to take away whatever Will has. Example:

scene: in the car, Will is looking at a piece of mail and Kate decides she wants it
Kate: WHINE….
Us: “Kate, use your words.”
Will: “She wants my flyer. But I am looking at it.”
Kate (in the sweetest voice possible): “Peeze, Woll, Peeze.”

Learning to speak, according to Kate, is a thoughtful process where one chooses which words and phrases to say and which to completely ignore, no matter what. Case in point: Kate will happily repeat “DAMN” after I utter it upon stubbing my broken toe, but will not ever, under any circumstance repeat the phrase “THANK YOU,” no matter how many times we parrot it to her or what bounty we hold out to encourage it.

Favorite Food: Cheeseburgers.
Favorite Song: The Monster in the Mirror (the “Wubba” Song) as sung by Grover
Second Favorite Song: Elmo’s Song
Favorite Art Endeavor: Paint.
Second Favorite Art Endeavor: Glue.
Preferred Form of Parental Torture: The Supersonic Screech.
Preferred Form of Sibling Torture: I must do whatever you are doing. Right. Now.
Favorite Show: Elmo.
Favorite Story: Elmo. A plus if Elmo has flip-up windows.
Favorite Rhyme: Ring Around the Rosie (really likes that “fall down” part at the end)
Favorite Conversation Subject: Emmy. (“Ehh-mee,” with accent on first syllable.)
Favorite Good Kid Activity: Giving her brother hugs
Cuddly of Choice: Elmo. And Ugly Dog.