One of the best lessons I learned during my social work internship at Michigan hospital system was from a Mother of a sick child. She described how she used to think that families with sick kids were stronger people, that she would never be able to handle it if one of her kids got sick. “But now,” and I’m paraphrasing her here, “I know the truth. We’re not stronger than anyone, we are just doing what we have to do.”
Her words have stuck with me all through my parenting. That there is no immunity from illness and, as a parent, anything can happen.
Being a parent of two healthy children, I am so selfishly ignorant of thinking about their health. I don’t worry about them because I know that they are healthy kids.  And when I see kids without the same opportunities for health: whether it is because they are limited in access to quality food and water, or to adequate medicines, or do not have the right identification to be allowed medical care — and I feel anger and shame and sadness for the screwed up ways of the world, my thoughts go to the parents. Who are, more often than not, just regular people trying to do what they have to do.
So it’s not that I don’t believe that my kids can be sick. It’s just that, unless they are bleeding or turning blue, I have a hard time believing that what is happening is any other than completely normal. They are healthy kids who have everything they need. Besides, I’m the Mom. I’d notice if something were really, really wrong. Right?
And then.
We had the kids’ second parent-teacher conferences last night. Will, the child who a few months ago was proclaimed “amazing,” had a mixed report card. He is very quiet. He is often in his own little world. When he speaks French, it’s often difficult to understand. To ‘test’ them for their reports this week, the teacher played a tape of a story they had heard many times before. Then they were asked to repeat back parts of the story with cards that they organized in the stages of that story. Will knew the story, could describe it, but was unable to repeat back the phrases from the tape. Instead, he gave mumbled responses that were difficult to hear and understand, or, he repeated back phrases that had similar sounds but totally different meanings — like similarly sounding phrases from other songs or stories. The bottom line:
“Do you think that maybe he is having trouble hearing?”
If you heard the giant GONG sound that rung through New Orleans late yesterday afternoon, it was the sound of the mammoth cymbal in my head, calling my attention to the obvious. Oh my goodness. Weren’t Paul and I just wondering about Will’s hearing a few days ago?
I explored it when we were alone, driving to Kate’s appointment. “Will, do things ever sound funny to you?”
“Yeah, a lot of times, I hear two things.”
“Two things?”
“Yeah, like two voices.”
GONG. Um, maybe like an echo, Mom?
And then, Kate’s teacher, whose son has had chronic ear problems for almost a decade, “we didn’t realize my son was having problems because he was reading lips.”
GONG. GONG. GONG. HELLO?? ARE YOU REALLY THIS CLUELESS?
A list formed in my head….Couldn’t repeat back lines from a tape. Can’t understand my directions unless I make him look at my face. Irritable for no reason. Complains that there is too much wax in his ear. History of fluid build up with no fever.
Head, *desk*.
And still, I hesitate. Am I being alarmist to think that there is a hearing loss issue here? Sometimes, kids don’t listen. That is normal. Maybe he’s just over school or listening or whatever. Maybe he’s just being surly. Surely, I couldn’t miss something like hearing loss in my child FOR MONTHS? Could I…?
Well, I guess we’ll find out tomorrow. He’s being seen by the pediatrician for a hearing test… during the same appointment Kate has for getting her ears checked. Am I the least observant Mother on the planet? Or the most hardened? Or am I just clueless?
Stay tuned.
Stacy Owings | 29-Jan-09 at 2:26 pm | Permalink
You are not clueless and you are not hardened. We get so used to our children’s little ticks and curious behavior patterns that we accept them as part of the package. Hope everything goes well tomorrow!
Emmy | 29-Jan-09 at 3:08 pm | Permalink
I agree that many of the foibles are just typical of the age, and of boys, like tuning us out, and needing eye contact to get the message.
Please keep us posted. We’re *hear* to help on any ear issues we can.
miss shell | 29-Jan-09 at 4:05 pm | Permalink
i hope it’s nothing. when i was a kid my mom thought i was deaf too, but it turns out after testing at children’s hospital, the doctor’s exact words were “Tu hija es una descarada”. translation, “your daughter is spoiled” because apparently i was only deaf when she was yelling at me from across our house to do chores. i always herad her when she called out for dinner.
liprap | 29-Jan-09 at 4:07 pm | Permalink
The little guy flunked a hearing test in one ear when he was tested at school. Trips to the pediatrician’s found that he had a load of wax in his ear, and it took some work with an over-the-counter wax dissolving kit and a couple more appointments with the doc to get it out. It never hurts to go to the doctor and to make sure…but we do need to be mindful of when the young ‘uns are in their own little worlds and make sure they look at us when we ask them to do particular things.
Hang in there!
chrissieroux | 29-Jan-09 at 5:30 pm | Permalink
Oh Holly–of course we blame ourselves when our kids have any sort of problem. But seriously–hearing loss is not the first thing most people go to when their kid’s having trouble paying attention or listening or seems irritable. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
I’ll be thinking about you and Will (and Kate) tomorrow.
Lucy | 29-Jan-09 at 7:47 pm | Permalink
You are not clueless, just too close to the situation. When you are in the thick of it you just don’t notice, you get use to it. That is why the professionals are there to help. I hope it is nothing serious, maybe wax buildup?
Good Luck!
Emmy | 29-Jan-09 at 9:47 pm | Permalink
I’m so glad folks told you not to be so hard on yourself. I typed and deleted that several times…don’t know why.
Janna | 30-Jan-09 at 6:20 am | Permalink
Don’t beat yourself up about this! How would you know? Yes you had signs, but they were little and would go unnoticed by all parents!
You are doing the right thing taking him, even if it ends up being nothing. I will be thinking good thoughts for Will today.
Amy | 30-Jan-09 at 6:22 am | Permalink
Don’t beat yourself up. I realize I am not the first person telling you this, but I am repeating it for emphasis. I am wishing you the best! It could be anything!
shokufeh | 30-Jan-09 at 8:56 am | Permalink
Good luck on this adventure, whatever is revealed. Kudos to you on doing what needs to be done. And don’t beat yourself up. I think we generally fall into one of two categories – assuming our kid is okay, or assuming that everything is wrong. I think the former is preferable in most cases.
Aunt Deb | 30-Jan-09 at 10:34 am | Permalink
Will had problems with his ear errupting a while back, maybe he has some inner ear fluid build-up. My ears to this and my hearing goes down dramatically. Doctor told me to take decongestion medication. But the end results is that it can last for six months. The good news is that it doesn’t have a lasting effect on my hearing. I would take Will to an ear nose and throat doctor for a check up and go with his advice.
kitty | 30-Jan-09 at 1:02 pm | Permalink
I had this same problem with my ears when I was six. I was reading lips. A month or so earlier, I had pus draining from my ears.
Dant dant dan.
Will had that too, huh? (Don’t ask how I remember that)
They ended up taking my tonsils out. Go figure. But it solved the problems and I had no long term hearing loss.
Emily R | 30-Jan-09 at 2:00 pm | Permalink
it is very common to miss hearing issues for awhile, as well as vision. but you are doing something about it now.
alejna | 30-Jan-09 at 2:55 pm | Permalink
Ah, this parenting gig is hard work. Especially since the job requirements are constantly changing.
Hearing loss is easy to overlook, even in adults, but especially in young kids, who are so adaptable. Will never thought to mention the odd hearing to you either, and he may have just accepted it as normal.
I also was going to say “don’t beat yourself up,” but see that lots of folks said that already. But, well, don’t beat yourself up! What matters is that you are concerned enough to investigate. Any news, by the way?
lisa paul | 31-Jan-09 at 12:39 pm | Permalink
You aren’t clueless. Your little boy is so smart and adaptive, he’s figured out ways to cover his hearing problems like lip reading and improvising. Good that you’re finally getting it checked.
laura | 01-Feb-09 at 2:57 pm | Permalink
Holly, i grew up in a neighborhood that had the magnet school for hearing-impaired kids. I have multiple friends who can help you if hearing loss is what’s going on….one is an audiologist who is also working on her PhD. Best of luck! I’m praying for you guys.
admin | 02-Feb-09 at 9:42 am | Permalink
Thank you, everyone!