I am a very hated Mommy, so says my son, who has decided to declare all out war against me.
He’s been very difficult lately in general. Argumentative, stubborn, lashing out. Combined with his sleeping in until 7:30 most days and a complaint that his ear “was popping”, I was suspecting an ear infection or possibly swimmer’s ear: irritability is his major symptom when he has something wrong with his ears. But there has been no fever and no other real symptoms.
By all accounts, he is doing great in school… except he has been expressing anxiety over one classmate that has extraordinary behavioral challenges. The school is doing their best, but when you have a child with severe problems and parents that lack the skills or ability to handle it, it can make the entire classroom suffer. While I have not personally observed first hand how this child impacts the class during the main school day, by Will’s own accounts, it can be a blight on an otherwise good day. (Paul has seen the child at a birthday party and was absolutely floored at the extent of the problem.) Will has asked repeatedly if he can stay home specifically to stay away from this child. We’ve spoken with the school and know that they are doing their best, but at the same time, we are concerned about Will.
Now I am wondering whether what is happening at school is impacting his behavior at home? Do older kids learn defiance and backtalk from watching other kids? Or is what we are seeing from Will a normal part of being 4? It’s not like he hasn’t had difficult moments before.
Last night, Paul was away working and I was alone for dinner, baths, and putting the kids to bed. We all had enjoyed a nice night. Will ate a great dinner, had a treat, and asked for ‘tea with milk and sugar’ which I happily made for him. He asked me to sit with him at the table to talk while he had his tea and I obliged. I got Kate down and then went for Will, who was suppose to be cleaning up Legos that he’d been asked to clean up hours before (after I removed several pieces from Kate’s mouth). But when I went to get him, Will was watching TV and Legos were still surrounding him. I turned off the TV and he lost it. First he threw Legos at me. Then, when I went to pick him up and bring him straight to bed, he proceeded to alternate between going limp and kicking. Actually kicking me. He said a range of hurtful things and when placed in his bed, defiantly jumped out. Several times over.
Finally, I said: “Will, as of right now, you are not having a birthday party.” He froze. And as I walked out of the room, the wail started. It lasted about 10 minutes and then, after another 10 minutes or so of silence, he walked out of his room and said, “I’m sorry Mommy.”
“Thank you, Will,” I said, “now go back to bed.”
This morning we talked about last night’s incident. I asked him to recount the progression of events and he did so with great accuracy. He knew exactly what he did wrong and was appropriately sorry. I explained that when he acted inappropriately, in ways that he knew were not acceptable, that it broke the trust we have. And that in order to do fun things, we had to have trust — to know that he wasn’t going to act out or do something that would get him or someone else hurt. So, I explained that, “if he didn’t show us that he could be trusted to behave appropriately, that we could not risk having a birthday party.” He got it.
Then the rest of the day was great. We went to the store, we painted pumpkins, we helped Paul in the yard, we played games on the Ipod. Then, while I was making dinner inside with Kate, the kitchen completely engaged with knives, boiling pots, and food everywhere… Paul carries a bloodied Will inside and dumps him in the middle of the mess. I had to get crying and sobbing Will into the shower, ice on his boo-boos, wash him off, and help him get dressed in the middle of the critical do-it-or-lose-it moment of dinner making. Somehow, he recovered enough to have a good dinner, but fell apart soon after. The whole event from last night repeated itself.
(Except for the ‘I’m sorry’ part. That hasn’t happened… yet.)
I’m not sure what is happening with him. Have I done something wrong? Is he sick? Is this normal acting out, just on a grand scale? Is he reacting to his frustrations with his classmate? We have no idea.
The only thing I know is that, at this point, I may be completely off the hook for having to plan a birthday party…?
Corinne Conner | 13-Oct-08 at 6:19 am | Permalink
Holly,
Our school uses a wonderful social curriculum called Responsive Classroom. One of the references we use to set goals is Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14. It’s a quick guide to physical, social and cognitive characteristics. It helps me be more realistic in my expectations as a teacher, but it may give you insight into the four year old mind and will help you know what to expect next… We provide parents with age appropriate brochures from the book at our hopes and goal setting conferences each year.
I can certainly tell you from the classroom perspective that the behavior challenged child makes teaching an learning an anxiety laden time for all involved. Not only do these children take a large portion of teacher time, the kids don’t know what to expect. Some children do pick up behaviors, particularly if they don’t understand why the child behaves this way or they see that these behaviors have a positive result (ie. getting something they want). A ‘normal’ child may try it once or twice, but you can extinguish the behavior by being consistent and making it clear that the behavior will not result in what they want.
Has your son been in school before? The first month of school is very difficult for children with separation anxiety, particularly if the difficult classmate is creating additional stress in the classroom. I’ve got two this year that take up over 90% of my time each day. Sadly, it doesn’t leave much time for the others. : ( Consider a different class or a new school if it the problem is truly anxiety because of this particular situation. Pre-K and K are the absolute foundation for the rest of his schooling.
In regards to the behavior your son is exhibiting, think in logical consequences. If he breaks something, he fixes it. If he makes a mess he cleans it. If he hurts someone when he pushes, then he needs to make you feel better (he could draw a picture of you playing together or he could hold your hand to be your ‘friend’ again, etc.) What ever, try tying the consequence directly to the behavior and make it immediate. He may not be able to retain/tie his behaviors to taking away his birthday party. Or, it may be too far in the future to be a successful reward.
I think you are smart to start looking at the physical issues with his ears. Track his behaviors, what triggers the tantrums? How long do they last? What did he do when he was done? Does he have allergies that are making him overly tired? Is he fighting a constant low grade infection? Does he need tubes in his ears? Can he hear you when you are asking him to clean up? I’m sure you’ve been through all this in your head. : )
The hardest part is to not blame yourself. You are obviously involved and committed to raising healthy kids. If all else fails, consider contacting a therapist to help you and your son cope with his needs.
Corinne
Violet | 13-Oct-08 at 9:23 am | Permalink
Holly, I tend to look at these outbursts as my being a safe outlet for anger and frustration. Both of my kids (who are still “kids” at 28 and 31, by the way) know that they can vent on me and I will still love them. You don’t have to stand for it. I use a version of “I know that you are angry about something, but you need to use your words to help me understand why.” The point is–don’t blame yourself.
Because of Will’s young age, you will want to talk with the teacher to see if anything is going on in the classroom that might be contributing to this stress.
Hang in there–this is just practice for adolescence (which you will also survive).
admin | 13-Oct-08 at 9:49 pm | Permalink
Corinne: thank you for your thoughtful and supportive comments and suggestions! It really means a lot. We are meeting with his teacher/school director on Thursday. I love that your school gives developmentally appropriate literature to parents. It is great to have that type of dialogue between home and school — then everyone is sort of on the same page and it makes it easier to reinforce what it learned at school at home and vice versa.
Violet: one of my biggest motivations for handling everything now is that I have accepted the fact that parenting never gets easier. It certainly helps me get through each day, but wow, adolescence is scaring the pants off me. I love how you phrased the ‘I know you are angry’ line… it is silly how much having a token phrase memorized can help! I used it already tonight!
Violet | 14-Oct-08 at 5:44 am | Permalink
You and Paul have done a spectacular job so far and I have every confidence that you will continue. Go easier on yourselves–go and read the psych literature on “good enough mothers” and then take a long, leisurely bath with the door locked.
Violet
Paul | 14-Oct-08 at 7:11 am | Permalink
Violet, while Holly can at least take a long, leisurely bath thanks to our new bath tub, I fear that we do not have any doors back there yet. So we’ll just have to duck tape the kids to their dinner chairs while mommy gets her relaxing bath.
Now if they only made a waterproof iPod touch so she can combine her bath with her latest addiction (iPod games).
– Paul
Emmy | 17-Oct-08 at 10:54 pm | Permalink
Whew, Holly. I can relate totally with these behaviors. Ana tends to go through these intense periods (weeks) of complete misery (and we all go down with her) then plateaus of sweetness. Noticing this pattern has been critical in my survival of her downward spirals, reminding me that “it will be over soon.” School and relationships sometimes seem to trigger these feelings of helplessness; with her it always seems tied to not feeling like she’s in control of her universe, despite the freedoms we feel like we give her. We generally give immediate consequences (going to bed early, taking away a privilege) or sometimes a special outing.
My guess is that his anxiety and anger come from this alpha male at school. That sounds particularly challenging, especially with Will transitioning into an immersion program (which must be quite a task). Responsive Curriculum is wonderful. I wove it into our approach for the past school year (it was already happening organically, but RC articulates this respectful classroom vision SO nicely). I don’t know how open his school is to this kind of thing, but the basic tenets of RC might be helpful…
I hope to see Will for his 5th birthday party. He probably needs reminding more than ever that he is loved and loveable, and that there are many people who will love him, warts and all, with full confidence that our prince will re-emerge any day now.
Good luck! We miss you.