I am unhappy with some of the things I see in Will’s normal play. He is attached to his harmonica these days (he carries it everywhere) and in play, will jab it in the air and at our legs. I think this borders on aggression and it bothers me.
More upsetting to me is how Will can physically act out when frustrated. With Paul now suddenly gone, Will has gotten even more attached to me. He is great with Kate, but clearly feels the change of no longer being the only center to our child universe. The number of time outs has increased, as have Will’s tantrums, requests for binky, and things that I feel are aggressive in his actions.
We are very clear on how we feel about aggressive acts: they are scary, dangerous, mean-spirited, and not acceptable. When other kids have engaged in this type of play around Will, we’ve taken time to explain how we feel about them and have been proud to report that he routinely walks away from this type of play with other kids. Since coming to Mobile, Will’s television and movie time has increased greatly. In particular, he’s had exposure to things that are new to him: movies. So, my thought is that maybe we are sending mixed messages. Peter Pan and Captain Hook spar off with each other, Buzz Lightyear and Woody have physical fights and are still friends … so maybe he’s learning that these things are okay. Following this train of thought, I figure that we should cut these things out for a few years. Not forever, but just until he’s a little older and we can explain things better.
So, my question: is this a reasonable approach? Or I am living in a dream world?
Further: by suggesting that we cut these things, I’ve stepped on some family toes. (Granted, I haven’t been the most diplomatic in my mode of discussion.) Is suggesting a change in the current mode of operation an insult?
Deb | 09-Jun-06 at 5:32 am | Permalink
Holly,
Will is too young to understand the nuances of aggression, but you are not. I’m not sure that removing the movies in their entirety is what you want to do. Cut back on the exposure and watch them with him.
I suggest you turn to a different approach regarding the aggression. Compliment Will on his positive behaviors, especially with the harmonica. When he plays it, tell him how wonderful he is. Don’t punish his aggression with time outs. Instead, ignore him. Not just the behavior, ignore Will. If he jabs at you (as long as it isn’t painful) ignore him. Walk away and do something different. Don’t talk to him about why you are leaving; don’t talk to him about the behavior. Just ignore him.
Will needs and wants attention, especially given the attention that you must devote to Kate. If you turn away when he shows aggression, but give to him when he doesn’t, he’ll get the connection. Remember, you have taught him to do the same with kids his age, so he already gets the concept that aggression is scary and not something that you accept. When he is older, you can discuss the movies with him.
Good luck on this one!
Nana | 09-Jun-06 at 6:44 am | Permalink
Holly,
Relax. Our great kid is still a great kid. He is just displaying normal behavior, normal for a two year old and normal for having to deal with a younger sibling all of a sudden. I agree with Deb. Ignore as many of the outbursts that you can as long as they don’t hurt him, others, or property. Catch him being good and praise those behaviors. When doing something inappropriate, stop the behavior with a frm voice, but then tell him what he can do instead. Whenever possible, give him choices. Probably would be a good idea to limit tv and movie time.
Instead of Nanny 911, how about Nana 52?
Aunt Amy | 09-Jun-06 at 7:42 am | Permalink
OK, as a relatively inexperienced, not quite a parent yet (8 weeks to go) person, won’t ignoring him only make him get louder or more aggressive so he does get your attention? Or, does he just catch on that no one’s paying attention to him and therefore gives up whatever behavior he’s doing?
Either way, it sounds like the movies and TV are playing a part. Do you all get the channel Sprout? I watch it with the Will I babysit and it is very “gentle” and friendly programming – it even relaxes me!
I’m sure this will pass and I’m sure you’re already doing what is best for Will,
Aunt Amy
Holly | 09-Jun-06 at 11:52 am | Permalink
Thank you for the great comments and suggestions!!
I’m struggling with deciding when to ignore and when to use time out. Our house rules are that when any kind of physical outburst takes place (hitting, kicking, spitting, etc.) it is an instant time out: no warning, because it is never acceptable. Will should be pretty clear on those things by now. So I’m having a hard time deciding when “jabbing” at us is hitting, or if it’s Peter Pan playing. While I’m certain that he is doing things which are perfectly normal (and probably much more subdued than others his age) it all still freaks me out.
Anonymous | 09-Jun-06 at 12:29 pm | Permalink
Holly,
Nana sounds like a smart woman. This all sounds pretty normal given the circumstances. Have you tried showing him that his jabbing hurts? You might have to act a little but if he thinks he hurt you he might make the connection and stop. But only do this if you can actually carry off appearing to be hurt, because if he’s like my granddaughters he’ll think pretend hurt is hilarious so it can’t look pretend. A lot of times little ones just get carried away with their own exuberance and don’t realize what they are doing. The other regressions seem normal. You might try rewarding him for not using his binky other than sleep times. It worked really well with my 2 year old granddaughter when she got a new baby brother and started going back to the binky.
Sylvia–Bethany L.’s mom
Violet | 09-Jun-06 at 4:54 pm | Permalink
I’m going with Nana on this one. When Will acts out, tell him you don’t like it and walk away. Try to not be emotional about it, just matter of fact. And miss no opportunities to praise him when he’s doing nice things. It’s all about what gets attention, even negative attention. Logic doesn’t work at his age.
This is hugely normal, by the way.